Just like most women i had a pretty normal pregnancy ,thank God with no complications besides the obvious ,nausea ,tiredness sleepy etc of which at the time i dint find any of this normal,for a first timer it felt weard i mean how do i sleep tired and stay tired the whole day with nausea ,,,thats not normal so i thought until i was told i should be grateful that i dint have more complications like some other mums.
The whole entire 41 weeks were fine until i had our child,every mom has her own expectations ,am the kinda person who is prepared mentally mostly of what is ahead and i would say i thought i was ready emotionally until the time came,fast forward the whole drama to 3 days later,of which i was consistently tired of course because of the work of taking care of the baby thank God i had kris and my mom who i cant thank enough for the work she has done and the support she has given us,i feel like i owe her a lot ,is it right if i say we will never be able to replay her kindness.
what started like a mood swing,blew up to something i couldn't really tell what was going on,i could not find the joy of motherhood despite having such a beautiful and awesome baby,i love her sooo deeply took care of her but i kept on feeling like people lie when they speak of how wonderful motherhood is,i would consistently ask kris what part of wonderful dpnt i get of this motherhood thing,am i even normal?i started getting sooo easily offended and i just couldn't handle anyone crossing my lanes.i honestly thought i would go back the the Shii i was before conceiving,full of energy,happy with no mood swings,normal and balanced hormones but that was far from what was happening and i could not understand why ....i kept on wondering why dint anyone mention to me earlier that i would get to a place of not relating the the person i was initially,i would literally feel like a totally different person and i would often tell kris i cant wait to feel normal again,he didn't know what to say most of the times but i remember him one time saying maybe this is the new normal and i openly told him then i dont like the new normal...that was hard to say considering i had just become a mom to this amazingly beautiful child that i deeply wanted and love. To be honest i had never felt the way i felt after having our baby,i wasn't myself at all.At some point i thought i had lost me and now i was a different person but something inside me kept telling me this will pass its just for a while healing will happen.i dint know what was right from wrong but i knew i dint want anyone disturbing me at all which was so unlike me since i thought i was tolerant lol.
Here are some of the things i dealt with:
- Depressed mood or severe mood swings,lets just say hormonal imbalance was super real.
- Excessive crying,i would cry over everything or lets say most of the things,looking and staring at our baby was an enough reason for me to cry like i am in pain,there was an over whelming feeling of soo much love that i would cry like a baby without control.
- Withdrawing from family and friends,naturally i am not a crowd person so i would be comfortable just to have kris the baby and mum alone until i find myself unlike some people who could easily be ok with frequent visits and people around.i dint want anyone at all with no apparent reason.
- Overwhelming fatigue ,i had never been that tired in my life ,i mean my tired was tired thanks to the support system i had i was able to go through my days.
- Reduced interest and pleasure in activities you used to enjoy,at that time i was doing a course that was really demanding and i thought i will bounce back to books and finish....little did i know,i dint even want to look at the books and the assignments kept on coming,i had to really push myself through to finish,thank God i did.
- Intense irritability and anger ,i literally had no chills,i had 0 patience with so many stuff and people.
- Fear that you're not a good mother,i would often question myself and sometimes ask kris or mum if it was normal to feel not good enough,i wasn't sure of so m any things and initially i thought it was normal for all mums,thanks to google.
- Feelings of worthlessness,i felt like i was not doing enough especially for Ella,i dint know whether what my motherly instincts was telling me was right or wrong,i had to do a lot of consulting on how to do things,when and how.To be honest that too can be exhausting when you has to depend on some other person .i cant wait to have a second child coz now i feel like i know some of the things to expect and how to deal with most of the situations....Ella has taught me.
- Diminished ability to think clearly, concentrate or make decisions,most of the times i would find myself clueless or my mind stuck and not thinking at all,the weard thing is i would notice.
- Severe anxiety and panic attacks,i would panic over everything you name it,if the baby made any sound in her crib at night i would jump like i wasnt even asleep.i was always scared and worrying if Ella is ok.
- Confusion and disorientation
- Obsessive thoughts about your baby
- Hallucinations and delusions
- Sleep disturbances.
- All i can say is things get better,i am a living prof that healing happens but it takes time.i still deal with some of the above but most of them have healed i thank God.It is such a sad that women will go through these struggles and they are expected to be normal,cover it up and move on.Postpartum struggles/stress/depression whatever you call is real.its not just a mood swing like most people would tend to think,its more than that and the affected person has no control over it.The healing journey is a process too,doesn't happen over night(i thought it would) i still struggle in some areas but with better understanding and treatment i know i will eventually be ok.I still wonder how our grand mother could have soooooo many children and be just fine,sometimes i think maybe its the food they used to eat or lack of better words their lifestyle was waaaay much better than ours.....am yet to find out about that.
- if you are a mother encourage mothers to be ,who most likely have no clue or better still share your honest experiences and how to handle the situation.
- No book will ever prepare any woman for motherhood.......true story.
